There is a world full of people to experience. As we go through growing stages, different situations and environments, development in our personality, aspirations, goals and discovering our true selves, people will constantly be entering and exiting being apart of our changing lives. The important thing to remember when it comes to people coming and going is that we need to surround ourselves and in other words, “choose wisely” who we keep closest to us as our support system and that we will be bouncing energy off. We all experience someone coming into our lives that ends up not being a good fit; we all experience someone toxic in our lives and have to figure out how to free ourselves from them.
Side Note: I’m no means a professional on toxic people. I do believe that from one persons experiences, another may be able to better understand how to tackle a situation at hand from someone else’s past.
The three ways I personally have experienced toxic people are firstly, not being able to acknowledge that someone is toxic. Secondly, not allowing myself to be surrounded with people that are healthy due to not seeing my own worth or personal struggles and settling for people who are suffering to not see their own worth or personal struggles. Thirdly, not knowing how to let go of someone toxic.
ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOMEONE IS TOXIC:
You may spend weeks, months or years with someone in your life and not realize that they are toxic to you. There are many reasons why you may not acknowledge it such as, believing you can’t give up on family or friends, you feel guilt thinking of discarding them from your life, you hang on the the thought things will get better with time and maybe you want to be the one person to be able to help mend this persons struggles/problems.
Regardless of timelines, toxic people are toxic. Toxic for one person can be different from another and by seeing if you relate to these points you may better understand trying to see for yourself, that someone is toxic:
- You tend to experience more situations of negative emotions, fighting, arguing, misunderstanding and lack of civil communication
- You feel like you’re lost at what to do with this relationship, as if you are exhausted, repeating yourself and the same scenarios.
- You don’t feel supported or understood when you speak about how you feel, whats going on in your life or when you need their help.
- You are the “go to” person for them, only when their life is in chaos and when their life isn’t chaotic you’re not on their list of priorities.
- You experience feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, anger, confusion, conflict and lack of understanding with the other person on regular bases.
- You can’t be honest, your true self, or say what you truly feel, want and need and if you can/do it results in negative situations
- You change your plans, the way you see things, the way you do things, start to act in ways that aren’t purposeful to you or benefiting you.
If you are experience one, some or all of these points you may be dealing with someone that’s toxic to you that you should consider letting go of them. It can be hard to admit when someone is toxic to us because it’s human nature to assume the best in people and that what we give out we will get in return. This isn’t always the case, unfortunately.
If you find yourself unsure relating to some of these points I would recommend in consulting in a friend or family member you rely on and getting the opinion on the situation from an outsiders perspective. Remember to be completely honest about the details of the relationship. If you prefer time by yourself you can try writing out situations you have experienced with the person in question, how they make you feel, and ask yourself questions such as “how do I feel when I’m around them?”, “how are they benefiting me as being apart of my life?”, “do I see them as reliable, understanding, supportive and respectful?”, “is having to ask myself these questions a sign that they are a toxic person I should let go of?“.
Acknowledging and accepting that someone may be or is toxic in your life can be a very daunting task but is one of the most beneficial things you can do to be true to yourself, the life you want to live and be surround by the type of people you want/need to make your dreams and goals become reality. Change is uncomfortable and being uncomfortable means growth is occurring; the sensation of discomfort during change signals growth to move forward.
UNKNOWN WORTH AND/OR PERSONAL STRUGGLE CAN ATTRACT TOXIC PEOPLE:
When we are lacking confidence in our worth and purpose we are wondering through life without an idea to what we want and need in our lives in many aspects. One of course, being not knowing what our worth is or struggling in a way that is attracting people who are also struggling and lack confidence, for example. This isn’t always the case of a toxic person but certainly can be and sometimes it can be the beginning of an understanding friendship or a toxic bondage. If we are being very hard on ourselves, not setting and reaching goals and dreams or have an idea of them, if we are struggling with negative situations/environments/experiences, we can attract people of negative energy into our lives.
If you are experiencing feelings of unknown worth or are struggling with your own problems that need to be prioritized then, this list can express how to notice a toxic individual that is also in hardship:
- When talking about your worth and struggles they respond by talking about what’s going on in their life that may seem to be more drastic than what you’re trying to vent about.
- You start to pick up their negative habits, thought processes, problem solving and are influenced to continue feeling unworthy and continue struggling/begin suffering more as time goes on conversing with them.
- The majority of time you spend with this person you are expressing, dwelling and focusing on all the negatives you’re experiencing.
- There are limited or no conversations on giving advice, or being listened to with a response of support but instead they add to how negative the situation is.
- You may feel like this person is the type of friendship you deserve or all you have because you aren’t sure of yourself, what you want and what your desire, aspirations and dreams are.
- You start to realize some of your worth, start to grow, learn and experience more and you find this persons conversation, actions and habits are bringing you down or making you uncomfortable.
If you are experiencing one, some or all of these points it’s safe to say you have a relationship with a toxic person. Sometimes, we are the toxic person too and we attract toxic people in our lives. We all experience this at one point or another. Again, this is a time of great learning opportunity about yourself and how important it is to know your own worth and to start recovering/dealing with the things you are struggling with. Sometimes distance in these situations can be very beneficial or making distance and a compromise that if you’re going to be venting that there needs to be healthy advice given in return, mutually.
I can never stress the importance of putting your own health and happiness first and being surrounded by people that know your hardships and personal struggles. These people should be able to give you advice, support and guidance while maintaining a balance between the positives and negatives. In other words, balance between struggling and being uplifted. This is a time when you are needing yourself the most and need to be experiencing self discovery with only people around you that understand whats going on and you are able to feel safe, vulnerable, and confident around while, being able to experience happiness, laughter and a feeling of being lighter after spending time with them.
My personal experiences with this resulted in me focusing on prioritizing my recovery from my struggles and self-discovery to figure out what I want and need as number one. Devoting each and every day to baby steps to get closer to overcoming struggle and finding more of myself. This focus will allow you to acknowledge the people which you need for healthy support and the toxic people that you need to let go of. You need to be a healthy, happy, healing and growing version of yourself in order to start gaining these same individuals into your life. Once you start overcoming your own struggles and experience some self-discovery of your worth, you will be able to better see who you do want in your life and the people you don’t want to tinker with your becoming healthy and happy life.
NOT KNOWING HOW TO LET GO OF SOMEONE TOXIC:
Letting go of people is typical a tough task, especially when you are hoping that things will get better with time and experiencing negative emotions about letting them go. You have to understand that letting go of someone that is toxic to you doesn’t mean you are selfish or a bad person. It means that you are being true to yourself, taking care of your health and happiness and striving to live your best life.
Don’t get me wrong not all toxic people will be toxic to everyone they meet or that they wont ever be a great person in the future. In the present moment you are in and putting your values, needs, health, happiness and surrounding yourself with people that are your biggest fans is essential.
Some toxic people you will need to distance yourself from, some you will need to completely remove from your life. The situations can endlessly vary. From what I’ve experienced personally, these are some of the things I’ve done that have helped me with letting go of toxic people:
- People you need to completely remove from your life you can remove on all social media platforms, restrict and/or block them and don’t forget their phone number, email and any other form of contact you may have with them.
- People you need to distance your self with you can do the same as above but have only have one option available. For example, having them blocked on all social media platforms but able to text you.
- If this person is someone you really, deeply care about it can help to explain your self simply and civilly to them that you need time to focus on your own journey. If they accept it, great! If they don’t, this is just another red flag that you need to be more aggressive with your distance and… let them go.
- Writing a list of situations you experience with them, how they make you feel regularly, the benefits vs. complications they add into your life, and asking yourself questions about if they are supportive, respective and listen to you, are all great questions to ask yourself.
- Writing a list of what you value in a relationship, how you desire your relationships to be like, what you expect from a relationship, your bare minimum of what a healthy relationship looks like, are prompts to get you analyzing why they aren’t suited to be a part of your life.
- Speaking with someone you are close with about the situation, in detail and that may already know what this toxic relationship has been like, can help by getting an outsiders perspective. Make sure this is someone you truly trust and know you can rely on with honesty.
- If you are in a place of self-discovery from struggling and you feel confused, lost or misplaced in life, you need to be focusing on yourself. This is when you should be keeping your circle of relationships to the ones that you are most trusting, most yourself and most understood and feel supported and listened to. Focusing on yourself and distancing yourself from toxic people allows you to flourish and begin realizing who you want in your life and why you want them in your life, vice versa.
SEE TOXICITY TO BE FREE AND BECOME TRUE TO YOU:
I want you to realize that toxic people coming and going from our lives is more than normal, we all experience toxic people. Here are the things I want you to know most importantly.
- Letting go of toxic people to be healthier, happier and be the best version of you is not selfish what so ever.
- Experiencing and letting go of toxic people helps you develop your own sense of self and what you value in your relationships as necessities, allowing you to focus on these types of people and the people that you start to run into that have these traits.
- Letting go of toxic people can be really hard but it can be the most freeing and uplifting experience when you experience some time without them then, seeing how you are better off without them.
- Letting go of people that are toxic can be permanent and it can be semi-permanent; you have to ensure that the people surrounding you are reflecting your own values and make you feel good. People can change through time and you may be able to mend in the future but in the present moment you have to focus on what is healthiest for you. Regardless of if they return or not, you are the priority.
- You are more than allowed to distance yourself from people without reason if you decide to and you are also more than allowed to explain yourself to someone about why you need to distance yourself regardless of their reactions.
- You can not control other peoples emotions, actions, speak etc.
- The only person that can fix a toxic person is themselves.
To be true to you, you need to feel free of toxic people. Being uncomfortable means change is occurring and with change is growth. Learning, growing and experiencing is what life is all about right? Don’t be scared to put yourself first and say goodbye to people that are bring toxicity into your life.
As always angels, I would love to hear from you about how this post affected you. I love getting comments, emails and insights from you all so you know the drill, email me or comment and we’ll be in touch.
Can’t wait to hear from you: firstname.lastname@example.org